God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
