So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
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Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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