apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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