The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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