my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
