Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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