I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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