I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
