I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
