Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
