What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
