when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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