That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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