Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
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Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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