what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize