i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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