Midget sex pt 2 tonight
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
