He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
