So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
