i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
