my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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