cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
In America we eat man semen.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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