he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
