she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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