I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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