He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
