i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
