My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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