yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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