We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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