Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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