If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
