I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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