The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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