Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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