And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i think i just lost a toe
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
