I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
