woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
