I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
