So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
