franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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