how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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