A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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