Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
