I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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