Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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