Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
