mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
