I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
