i would punch a child for taco bell
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I need to sanitize my soul.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
