Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
im holly from the hills drunk
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Randomize
