connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
