My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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