someone threw a dead crab at me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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