Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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